These past twelve months, I have found myself randomly hitting the different stages of grief, in no particular order. I tend to hang out in the Denial zone where I find myself pretending that he is still here, and nothing has changed...that is, until my 6 year old son will - out of the blue - say things like "Mommy, I feel Grandpa Bailey in my heart." And then a wave of memories washes over me and I once again find myself in disbelief, overcome with sadness and joy all at the same time.
Several weeks ago I was strolling through Walmart, minding my own business, when I rounded the corner and came face-to-face with a large Easter display full of easter eggs. To my surprise, my instant thought was "I HATE EASTER!". I know! I was as appalled as you are! Where did THAT come from? Looking around to see if anyone actually heard that awful thought that seemed very loud in my own head, I quickly headed to the checkout before someone could call the looney bin and tell them one of their patients got loose.
Later that evening, my husband and I were heading home from a date. I was in a somber mood and I began to think about those horrible easter eggs I had seen and those feelings of anger rose up in me again and I began to cry. My husband (God bless him for putting up with me) looked over at me and said sweetly, "Honey, what's wrong?" I looked at him and with no shame, said (out loud this time) "I hate Easter!" and out came the ugly cry. His face went from shock to a question mark to realization all in about 30 seconds. He tried to encourage me by reminding me that the timing of Grandpa's death was really beautiful and symbolic, and that I should focus on the joyous reunion we will have with him someday when eternity is at our doorstep. I snapped back at him, "I will focus on the beauty and the joy and all that crap tomorrow, but for tonight - just let me hate Easter!" (I know, he is so lucky to have me)
The truth is, I don't hate Easter. I succumbed to my human emotions and let them get the best of me for a time. Yes, the timing of my Grandpa's death has forever changed the Easter season for me. But there is beauty at the core of my earthly sadness. Easter represents what Christ did for us on the cross. The gift that has given all of us, His children, the Promise that we will see our loved ones again. That "goodbye" here on earth is not goodbye forever! Because of Jesus' sacrifice, we will one day experience an eternal joy that has no end! The fact that my Grandpa was swept away to his earthly home in the early morning hours on the day that we celebrate the rising of our Lord and Savior - what a beautiful way for God to remind me that our reward awaits us in Heaven. This world is not our home. My Grandpa is happily working in his heavenly garden, looking forward to the day that we all join him for all of eternity.
I love Easter.
As soon as I saw this picture I knew where you were headed, Kali. Uncle Lloyd loved his gardening. He's been on my mind this weekend. I hate how a special someone's passing could be tied to a holiday. But, as you've said, it was a great homecoming for him on a day that represents Jesus' rising from the dead. When I look at my garden and plan on what will be planted I think Uncle Lloyd would've had that planted now. I think he planted potatoes March 17, and there was something he always had planted Feb. 14. Love you guys! It's ok to fall apart, he was a very special guy.
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